


Mass Effect AU: The Virmire Victim—Kaidan

by wRexident



Series: Mass Effect AU: Virmire Victim [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M, indoctrinated!Kaidan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-08-17 06:31:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8133799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wRexident/pseuds/wRexident
Summary: The one you leave behind on Virmire becomes indoctrinated. They come back later as a semi-recognizable form, something preserved by Harbinger to fuck with Shepard, to derail them from thwarting Collector/Reaper plans.Part 1, The Hook; Part 2, The Line; Part 3, The Sinker; Part 4, BeliefThis 4 part series features Kaidan Alenko as the Virmire Victim.





	1. The Hook

**Author's Note:**

> (I am so sorry...) There are some gentle smooshes here, but soon, shall trouble begin.

“Without you, my life didn’t matter anyway…“

That was what Shepard thought while in the grips of the vacuum, struggling to breathe, hoses cut and all hope of life burning away as his lungs fought to pull in air that wasn’t there. He’d touched heaven once and found it warm. This time, it was ice cold. He had experienced what it was like to be whole. Then he discovered what it was like to be half a person. Now, he supposed, he would be nothing of the sort except just another streak blazing through a foreign sky.

 

Shepard stood before a shadow of a man he thought to be dead and felt the irony of their reunion through death. He knew that stance anywhere. Those strong, rounded shoulders. That …notable stride. The crest of untamed hair, dark peak above burnished golden brown eyes. Brows that had furrowed and creased when Shepard had murmured words he’d never said to anyone else before.

“Kaidan…,” his voice was but a whisper in an empty hall. The smell of blood and decay hung thickly in the air. It made his stomach twist.  
Next to him, Garrus’ mandibles twitched nervously and he tightened his long fingers around his gun, resting one on his rifle’s trigger.  
“Careful, Shepard,” Garrus voice was a low rumble, “This feels wrong.”

Shepard heard him, but he couldn’t help but let his eyes drift up the form of a man he once knew. The former lieutenant was nude, wires clinging to muscle and bone structure and fixing him with a sleeker appearance. He looked both a work of art and absolute horror simultaneously. No longer was he baby-faced. Smooth skin had worn and frayed at the edges where it joined with machine. Some wires were well rounded and others jagged, looking forced into skin and bone by no simple feat. Ribbed cable and cord went from jaw to ear and down the tendon of his neck, glowing with underlying tech Shepard couldn’t begin to understand the nature of. But exactly how much did he understand of his own “upgrades” since being rebuilt? It made him wonder if there was correlation between Cerberus and the Reapers. It made him wonder just exactly how much of Kaidan was left in that bundle of networking. How much of him had been reprogrammed?

“Hey, Shepard…Long time,” the man stepped forward into the overhead light, softly highlighting the darkness of that deep brown, a black flame resting on the crown of his head, like some dark god recently revived from sleep.

Garrus fingers gripped Shepard’s shoulder, tried to hold him in place, but he resisted, shrugged his friend’s caution off.

“I thought-I thought you were dead, Kaidan…,” he spoke in incredible disbelief. “You have no idea… It destroyed me leaving you.”

“You didn’t have much a choice, did you, Commander? It was either me or Ashley. A pretty bad hand to be dealt,” Kaidan’s brows wrinkled over his nose and gently sloped over his eyes in sympathy. His voice was soft as always.

Shepard tried to rationalize it, this, him, Kaidan. If he could recall, then certainly some of the man that was there before still remained. He was not a husk. He could speak, not just murmur or groan. He suddenly ached to embrace him, Reaper tech or no.

“What happened? Why you of all people?,” he found himself asking aloud.

“Probably because of my biotic abilities,” Kaidan replied. “As for what happened… I think I was assaulted before the bomb went off. Everything went black. When I woke up, I was somewhere else I can’t describe. Pretty strange place. The floors and hallways shone like glass. The walls felt like they breathed. I was kept in a small cell where I was worked on, I guess, sedated and barely alive for what felt like forever.”

Shepard stepped forward and Garrus hissed a curse in warning.  
“It’s really you?”

Kaidan nodded, and gave a small smile. “It’s me.”

Garrus had had enough. “Shepard, dammit! He smells all wrong! Can’t you see this isn’t Kaidan!?”

“Do you remember—,” Shepard began to ask while stretching out a hand toward his former lieutenant.

“Shepard, I remember everything,” and the glint in Kaidan’s eye, the curve of his lips as he smiled was all it took to convince Shepard into completing contact.

He reached out and gripped the man’s shoulders and pulled him into a fierce hug, fingers catching on the wire and cord that wound around the back of his head. The turian hissed angrily behind him, doubly cursed his luck when Shepard was involved. If something wasn’t exploding, it was certainly falling apart.  
“Goddamnit, Kaidan, it killed me! I fucking died with you on Virmire! You were my everything! Do you fucking hear me?!,” Shepard’s voice was a fierce growl against the man’s jaw and ear, lips longing to graze areas he’d once claimed as his own.

Shepard was nearly in tears when he pulled away slightly enough to look Kaidan in the eyes, into the deep blue flicker beyond the natural brown iris.  
Before he could properly recall himself, he leaned in until Kaidan’s breath tickled his against his skin, and desperately gave himself over, disregarding the chill that lingered on the other man’s lips. All sorrow and despair vanished as he drowned himself in Kaidan’s mouth. He expected nothing in return but his heart leapt when Kaidan pulled him in, one cool hand slithering against his throat and gripping the back of his neck as his lips parted, drawing the Commander further in. Shepard was enthusiastic if not overzealous, trying to remember Garrus was present and that he couldn’t just do things in front of the turian, and definitely not in a combat zone. And he tried not to think about how nude Kaidan was, even if he was a twisted network of hardware.

He’d stay there as long as he could, holding the man that had stolen his heart and breath, that had caused him as much pleasure as he had pain. From the moment he met Alenko, he felt a kindred spirit. And losing him had bottomed out his faith completely. He’d been nothing more than a shell, moving along mechanically, putting on a front to fight the good fight until the Collector’s obliterated the SR-1. Now, he could breath again. Now, feeling had returned to the rest of his body. No, to his soul.

But it wasn’t his will to pull away. Gunshot ran out, startling him. He had to pull away suddenly to make sure himself, Kaidan, nor Garrus had been the victim of that shot. When he turned toward Garrus, he found the turian staring down his scope, finger on the trigger of his rifle.

“Garrus? Seriously?!” He was outraged, confused. “Why?!”

“Shepard,” Garrus warned, mandibles clicking, as he started through the visor over one eye. “Back away or I swear to the spirits the next shot will be fatal. I have a good mind to take him out anyway.”

When he turned toward Kaidan, whom was touching his cheek where a visible gash marred his skin, blood with the color, hue, and depth of blue tourmaline slid down a pale cheek. Kaidan looked confused by this, brows knotting in the usual way they did when anxious or worried.

“I”m not human anymore, am I?”

“Oh,” Garrus’ tone was acidic, sniping sarcastically, “What was your first clue?”

“Garrus,” Kaidan looked toward the turian, and stepped backward, away from Shepard, placing a few steps apart between them. “I would be cautious, too, for Shepard’s sake. We all know…we know what this means. Shepard, it’s alright. He’s got your six. That’s all I could ever ask.”

Shepard was at a loss. He’d been robbed before and now, facing that possibility again when he felt like he was just able to breathe for that small window of time, it was too soon, too cruel. His shoulders tensed. His heart sank. Anxiety dug into the muscles around his ribs. The relief had been terse and still he reached out desperately.

“Kaidan…You cou—”

“No, Shepard, Garrus is right. As long as I am this, I am a danger to you, to the crew. No one knows exactly how much control they can exercise over me. They might even be listening now, hoping to get a way into you. Think of what they could do with Commander Shepard leading their infiltration, a wolf in sheep’s clothing, going wherever he pleases with as much credit as Saren had.”

 

Shepard remained silent. Black despair was eating at his insides, gnawing away at all hope and whatever remained left of his heart.

“You…you need to go, Shepard. They’re coming. I’ll hold them off, redirect them. Maybe I have some influence in the ranks,” the blue light of Kaidan’s eyes met his. This was the truth of the matter now. There was truly no going back to what was before. It was gone. Dust in the wind.

He reached out, crept one step closer, placing a hand on the lieutenant’s cheek, wiping away the smudge of blood with his gloved hand  
“No matter what happens know that I love you. Always.”

Kaidan smiled and placed a hand over Shepard’s. “I love you, too.”  
A much softer kiss ensued and Kaidan pulled away all too abruptly. “You’d better go now. And be careful. We’ll see each other again.”

Shepard looked on regretfully as Kaidan slipped away. The doors closed behind Kaidan, concealing the masterpiece of his twisted form, appreciating that all that hardware had done nothing to his perfect backside. The last thing Shepard saw, though, was the glow of blue that deepened in the dark shadows of Kaidan’s face.

And when Garrus nudged him into moving again, all hope had crumbled, leaving Shepard as mechanical as Kaidan’s new existence looked.


	2. The Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IFF grabbing and seeing a familiar face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Derelict Reaper mission/Reaper IFF fetching for good ol' Uncle TIM.

"Shepard," Garrus paced behind him, tone aggressive, firm, and unforgiving. "I have followed you into some pretty questionable situations. Not to say, I haven't had any of my own, but—"

 _Oh, boy. Here comes the but..._ , Shepard thought bitterly as his shoulders sagged against the incoming barrage of disapproval. He stretched one leg out in front of him and propped his arm and tired head on his bent knee, waiting to hear anything back from the Illusive Man. At any moment, the indicator on the table would glow.

"that was reckless. You just couldn't hold back, could you? Now, I know it looked like Kaidan, but that was definitely **not** Kaidan. And you kissed him without a second thought! He's indoc—"

"He's not!," Shepard interrupted. Anger welled in his chest. He knew Garrus all too well at this point to have predicted that he wouldn't let Kaidan pass.

"He's indoctrinated, Shepard! You're in denial! It was too convenient!'

"How? He remembered everything! He remembered you, Garrus!"

"Damn you, Shepard, he's playing you. They're playing you. We don't know enough about indoctrination or how it works to say that he's not just their puppet."

Shepard whipped around, pivoting on his hip to look at the turian, "Exactly! We don't know enough about indoctrination to say that Kaidan wasn't preserved in some way or form."

Garrus' two-toed armored boots stopped behind him. "Too convenient! His interaction was a joke. He paused way too often to be genuine. It took him forever to even respond to my presence, like he was receiving orders and it was taking a moment to slug through that goo you humans call a brain! He also said they were coming but never said who exactly. Husks? Reapers? Harbinger, himself? Then he said he could divert them. How? Did they make him a general in the indoctrinated army? They were probably watching from the beginning, Shepard! Where does the man end and the machine begin?"

Shepard didn't feel his face twist up with emotion but it must have. Garrus shifted on his feet and shrugged both of his arms, mandibles agitating in thought. When he spoke, it was noticeably more gentle. "Look, Kaidan was my friend, too. And as great as it would be to have the man back with us, I just don't trust the circumstances enough to have him waltz onto the Normandy as if nothing has changed. You saw him, Shepard. His face, his body, his blood. You once told me you were afraid of what Cerberus had changed in you...how it took a toll on you, realizing little things you'd lived with all your life were suddenly gone. Look at Kaidan and try not to think the same about him."

Shepard, who had taken to scrutinizing Garrus' face as he spoke, suddenly looked away as emotions screamed through his mind. Garrus was right. He'd been so foolish. Too reckless. He had shown vulnerability in the face of danger. Yet, that had been Kaidan, he'd been sure. Something of Kaidan remained in the recesses, safely tucked away from the reach of the Reapers.

"Are you sure, Garrus?," Shepard felt lost. If there was even a remote possibility the guy he fell in love with still remained... "His words, his movements, the way he shifted his weight without really thinking about it, it was all a little too perfect for me..."

If there was the smallest hint... he might risk his friends, his crew for Kaidan. Or even his own life. Just to feel whole again.

"Do you trust the Reapers to have the rest of our welfare in mind, Shepard? You saw what Sovereign did to Benezia and Saren. If Kaidan hasn't been subdued in totality, the kindest thing you could do at this point is put him out of his misery."

Shepard fell silent again as the words pierced his heart. And Garrus, began to walk away, then hesitated. Shepard glanced up briefly but Garrus had already turned and left whatever he had planned to say alone. He'd more than made his point. It was up to the Commander to make the crucial decision of leaving his love behind, where he'd died.

\---

The derelict Reaper was an absolute disaster even before they set foot in its empty halls. But from the moment, the SR-2 was beyond the veil of the Reaper's shield, he could feel it calling, longing for sustenance. Whatever programming still remained, continued to do what it had always done in the absence of its consciousness. He shivered visibly and gripped his pistol until his knuckles ached.

"S'g'ddamn place is makin' my skin crawl," Zaeed's voice crackled over the com in his helm.

"Stay frosty," Shepard replied in a low voice, eyes following the walls. The ache in his knuckles crept to his wrist.

The halls remained eerily silent. Dust floated through on the low light. How long had it been since the scientists came and where had they disappeared to?

He found the answers to those questions and a lot more as they located a terminal and searched through the vid files. Dr. Chandana and his team were more than gracious enough to provide the details of their research.

"Indoctrinated," Garrus huffed, "And I bet you anything we'll find them as husks."

Shepard switched off the vid from Doctor Chandana. "I dunno about you, but I've heard more than enough of that word lately."

Garrus took his meaning, but did not seem put off by his tone. Zaeed, on the other hand, had not been present for their long discussion regarding Kaidan.

"Which word, Shepard? Husk or indoctrination?"

"Does it matter?," Shepard looked over his shoulder in Zaeed's direction. "One is just as bad as the other."

"I guess fuckin' not. Look, can we move on with it? This fuckin' place ain't right."

Shepard crept ahead, smoothly, rolling the bottoms of his boots from heel to toe to maintain the element of silence.

\--

Another work log told Shepard everything he didn't want to know. His hand still ached, and that ache was joined by shaking for a change. And it was outside of having to fire into the skulls of former humans. He hadn't shaken since his days as a greenhorn. To top it all off, they'd lost contact with EDI. He'd guess the Reaper's shielding was breaking up communications.

_"The god's mind is gone but it still dreams. He knows now. He's tuned in on our dreams. If I close my eyes I can feel him. I can feel every one of us.”_

"G'ddamn Illusive Man didn't say a damn word about walking into this hellhole. Well, we fucking found the lot of his g'ddamn scientists, didn't we? I think this Reaper IFF is bad news. What do you say, Shepard?"

He tensed his fist, trying to calm his mind and the beating of his heart. It felt faster than normal, more erratic. Sweat trickled down his temples and rolled down his jaw. Garrus seemed to mimic his nervous notions.

"Shepard, let's get this IFF and get out... We have no idea the long term effects we're dealing with here. We're only experiencing the beginning of what Chandana's team did."

"Oh, I think we all know the g'ddamn long term effects. And I'll be damned if I'm turnin' into one of those blue bastards," Zaeed's commentary was always appreciated. Shepard felt it helped keep his thoughts focused toward the goal.

"I mean, once we're out of here."

"You mean, IF we get out of here. Ain't gettin' closer to our destination listening to a bunch of video logs tell us what we figured already happened."

He gave a silent nod. Focus. Get the IFF. Get out. But he couldn't help but roll Garrus' words from earlier in the day over and over in his mind.

_If Kaidan hasn't been subdued in totality, the kindest thing you could do at this point is put him out of his misery._

\--

"We're getting overwhelmed, Shepard! Not enough cover. I can't set up steady shots!," Garrus was frustrated and frantic. No matter how well Zaeed set them up, there were too many. Shepard was opening fire from the side of one of the fuel tanks, watching Zaeed, who stood on the opposite side pitch frag grenades into the husks as they funneled up a narrow staircase. A scion crept around a tank down on the platform in front of their position and had started closing in from the distance, throwing ice cold shock waves that tore across the metal surface.

"Fuck all," Zaeed yelled, "I'm tapped. Your turn, Shepard. I'll take point long enough to give Garrus time to snipe that asshole."

With a no less steady hand, Shepard keeps his pistol in one hand, while dragging a grenade from his pack with the other. He pitches it sloppily into the horde of moaning, groaning faces of electric blue and opens fire with his left. Each pull of the trigger shot uncomfortable sensation up his arm, but it didn't ache quite like the right.

"Shepard, what the fuck are you doing?," Zaeed growled.

"It's not like your aim was any better with your right hand, Zaeed!"

A shot rang out, empty. It pinged off somewhere beyond the scion who was ambling toward them, one long gangling arm swinging a shockwave Zaeed barely had time to roll away from. The blue chunks of biotic energy slapped the tank Shepard rested against and he had to jerk his head back to prevent the ice from kissing his visor.

"Shit!," Garrus groaned, "It's the Reaper. It has to be."

"You goddamn asshole, Shepard, dragging me out here to die to a mass of shitty husks and whoever knows what the fuck else!"

Shepard grit his teeth. Felt the gnawing of something in his gut. Fear? Anxiety? Exhaustion? He couldn't tell. He didn't exactly have time to puzzle it out now.

"Have we even been here long enough to be affected that deeply?," Shepard questioned aloud over the blazing of his rifle, mowing down husks in a sloppy line.

He wasn't afforded a question as another shockwave lurched just within reach. He jumped back reflexively but fell sideways against a tank. The world echoed around him, throbbed within his chest. Guess that answers that. An annoyed sigh escaped his lungs as someone barked his name.

Unsteadily, he rose to his feet. The world spun. And in his wavering vision, a spark of electric blue energy erupted in the distance, filling the walkways with an incredible flash. Grotesque inhuman howls bellowed out. A wet, lifeless mound of flesh slammed into the steel mesh flooring, scattering sapphire colored blood across its ridged texture.

"Great. Something bigger than the big baddies is stalking our way. You guys ready for a real fight?," he said, expecting the worst.

Zaeed murmured something that sounded a lot like fuck you. Garrus was at Shepard's right shoulder, pulling him up and steadying him before he could manage to tilt over. How he wasn't so badly affected was beyond Shepard.

"I...don't think that's just another so-called baddie," Garrus murmured, eyes focused on another spark of blue. Shepard followed his gaze and gaped.

Through a wave of husks, a biotic charge swelled and punched a wide opening, scattering pieces of grey flesh and body matter instantly. And in the middle was Kaidan Alenko, as promised, well composed, looking none the worst for wear. Only this time he wasn't nude. He bore black armor around the twists of wire that wound in and out of his skin and was just as inhuman as his new form. Not quite like a Collector's. Shepard thought it appeared to be a hybrid of the old N7 design and unnatural insect carapace. His hair, however, was in perfect form, glittering in the light with the mist of blue blood.

"Shepard," he strode up the stairs, crushing the head of a husk under his heel like a grape. It made an unpleasant splattering sound.

Zaeed held his rifle steady as Shepard stepped forward to greet the biotic, once more ignoring the sound in Garrus' throat.

"I hope that's someone you know, Shepard...," Zaeed's voice was laden with caution.

"Kaidan..."

"You know you're in danger. This place... You shouldn't even be here," Kaidan didn't take his outstretched hand.

"We came for the Reaper IFF," Garrus chimed in, almost stepping between the Commander and the former L.T..

The blue light of Kaidan's eyes shifted in the surrounding sea of black. Eerie, and yet beautiful. He was beautiful. Shepard barely heard the exchange.

"I'll guide you there, and then you have to get out of here," Kaidan was curt. Shepard was uncertain if that was toward Garrus or just the situation in general.

"We are more than capable—," Garrus began.

Kaidan held up a hand and interrupted him, "You're kidding yourself. You're all in weakened states and there's more husks ahead. I'll clear the way." Those unnatural eyes flickered toward Shepard briefly, and when they tore away, he felt his breath go with that icy gaze.

\--

Shepard never expected to see the Kaidan Alenko in such fine form. He didn't walk so much as stalk. His every move seemed effortless. A wave of his hand sent husks flying off the side railing and into the darkness below. Shepard heard the distant echo of metallic thunking as bodies collided with the lower platforms. Swirling energy of sparkling mazarine blue enveloped Kaidan's fist and dispersed the face of an abomination before it could combust. It's insides scattered apart in gory scene. Kaidan strode through as though it didn't bother him to see husks anymore. All Shepard could think about was how badly Kaidan had reacted to the husks on Eden Prime.

Maybe Garrus was right, after all. Maybe Kaidan wasn't Kaidan....

Distant groaning haunted the walkways, a tell tale sign that more scion were on their way. Kaidan held out a hand to the trio.

"Stay out of range. I'll take care of this."

And then he was striding forward aggressively and then burst into a run. Shepard's tired eyes struggled to keep up with the hectic pace. Blue charges flared. He heard the howls of the twisted creatures. Saw shockwaves dance over the metal flooring. Biotic blue flared again and shimmered over Kaidan's form as the shockwave made contact with the biotic's barrier. These patchwork deformities never had a chance, dispatched quickly and efficiently in sparks that punched through globs of loose flesh. Kaidan returned, armor kissed by inky substance.

"You'd better hurry. Doesn't take long for them to wake and rally," he said as he jaunted toward them.

"You mean, there are more of those g'ddamn things here in this bloody pit of hell?," Zaeed's rough voice and mouth dug into his ear. Again, reminding him to focus. He took a sort of comfort in it. Zaeed's quick temper kept him sharp, on his toes.

Kaidan nodded subtly, "Reaper's are nesting grounds essentially."

"Oh, and I suppose you'd know that how, exactly?," Garrus tone cut through the haze and confusion. The sniper looked angry, tired, and shoulders slumped visibly from the weight of some unseen force.

Kaidan kept his silence, dropped his head. His lips parted then closed again. Shepard frowned through the exhaustion at his former friend, wondered how Garrus couldn't see how human he still was.

"It doesn't matter," Kaidan deflected, apparently feeling he'd never earn the turian's trust. "The way is clear. For now."

Garrus walked past Kaidan, bumping his shoulder as he plowed past. Zaeed followed, but kept a wide berth of the biotic. Feeling too tired to add commentary or argue with anyone about their behavior, he marched forward. Every step sent a jolt of pain to his hips. He was almost out of range when Kaidan gripped his arm and pulled him back.

"Shepard," the desperate murmur poleaxed him and his mind scrambled frantically from exhaustion.

"Kaidan," he responded in kind, taking in that smokey, gravely tone and relishing it.

The biotic reached up and removed his helmet.

"What are you—," Shepard was in a state of panic when the helmet came free. Kaidan tucked it beneath an arm and pulled him forward by the breastplate into a fierce kiss, meeting Shepard's lips in long hard presses of tongue and teeth that made his toes curl. Kaidan afforded him no time to suck in a sobering breath to embrace the moment.

 _One last time_ , he thought as he relaxed into it. _Just one final time._

He was lost in the haze of emotion as it raged through him. Felt the physical response of his exhausted body. Apparently he wasn't as tired as he'd thought. Or maybe it because it had been so long since he had any sexual contact that his body was starved for that connection. Or maybe it was because the man he'd thought dead was standing before him, nearly whole, shoving his chill tongue down Shepard's throat in raw need and desire.

Garrus was wrong. Kaidan was here.

Everything in him cut loose. All reservations and inhibitions fell away. He dropped his rifle, letting it clatter to the walkway, and embraced Kaidan hard. For every lap Kaidan's tongue gave him, he returned ten fold. And took extreme pleasure nibbling on the lush lips that had once danced across his skin. He was so lost in the moment, he began to find and pop the clamps on Kaidan's armor when Kaidan stilled his hand.

"Shepard," Kaidan's breath hit him with an acrid smell as he pulled away. He had failed to notice the scent before. Was that the scent that threw Garrus off? "You need to go."

Shepard felt his brow knot with what leaving implied. "Kaidan," he winced. The hormones flooding his mind paired with the heaviness he felt around his skull made his eyelids feel heavy. "What about you?," he asked stupidly. "I can't leave you like this. What will happen to you? Why can't you just fight this?"

"I'm doing what I can. But I can't leave with you. Look at me. There's no coming back from this," the disgust on his face was apparent. Dark brows crinkled together, deepening the crease over the bridge of his nose. That was a human reaction. Human. Not an indoctrinated thrall.

"Kaidan...," Shepard's voice cracked with emotion.

"We had a good run, Commander. I'll do what I can from my side of the fence. The rest is up to you," a chill hand reached up and rest on Shepard's cheek. "I love you."

And just like that, Shepard's helmet was turned over and Kaidan stepped back to allow him space to collect his rifle and scattered thoughts. Shepard numbly forced the helmet on and walked away, feeling the blue core of Kaidan's eyes delving into his shoulder blades. In parts, the man was right. There was no return when they didn't know the extent of the damage done to his body. Taking it apart might very well kill him in the process.

Garrus met him with an icy glare, more out of worry, than actual apathy toward Kaidan. He hoped, anyway.

"Bloody hell," Zaeed murmured, "Pretty sure I've seen it all now. I could use a cigarette, a drink, and a fuckin' wank after this shit."

Garrus shot a tired, confused, but humored look toward the mercenary. "I guess we're all in a sharing mood today. Well, in that case," the turian snorted, "I'd love to get this heavy buzzing out of the back of my head."

Shepard nodded in agreement, honestly only just now noticing the buzzing, lingering at the base of his neck and crawling across his scalp.  
"Let's get the IFF and get the hell out of here. I've had enough of this place."


	3. The Sinker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unexpected trouble at the Collector Base.

The Commander Shepard paced. He was more an entity now. Not a man, only the shell of one. The name and title is all that kept him upright. Without it, all his resolve would fall apart. Everything within—rage, despair, grief—would dissolve into the void and he would go with it.

_I can't do this! Not again!_

He rubbed at his eye with the heel of his hand, dug at his face as emotion rose threatening to spill over his eyes. The urge to vomit was almost immediate but he contained it by sucking in air through his teeth.

Dark green blood splattered his armor. The barrel of his Avenger still smoked from recently being fired into a mob of the bug-like Collectors, ripping them apart from head to thorax until nothing remained of their twisted bodies.

And there, between him and his end goal, was Kaidan, standing in the middle of fallen Collectors the Commander had just mowed down.

"I-is that—?," he heard Jack whisper.

"Yeah," Garrus immediately replied.

Silence reigned. His friends, his crew, stood behind him, uncertain what would surface from another chance meeting. A second round in hell. He could feel their anticipation, caution, and a certain rigidity as though any moment someone would leap forward to defend him. Everyone knew now. About Kaidan. About his fate and misfortune. Miranda reached out toward him as he began to crumble, losing his normal composure. His face twisted with emotion. Rage and fear fought for dominance of his expression. A slight touch of sorrow wilted the corners of his eyes. He gestured toward her, a dismissive and angry wave of his hand, and brought his assault rifle up and propped it against his shoulder. He'd refused to see the truth Garrus had avidly pointed out. Now, he was paying the price.

"K," his voice was hoarse. Bile crept up inside his throat.

Kaidan continued gazing at him.

"Why," his voice was stern but quiet.

Blue eyes shifted and narrowed, calculating and cold.

"Fuckin' why?!," he roared. "You pieces of shit! You goddamn assholes! I will tear this place apart!"

The crystalline blue of biotic rushed toward him before he had time to process it. He was seized and thrown against a wall, hard enough his teeth rattled. The shiny hard material behind him crackled beneath the combined weight and pressure of his body under biotic force. Samara cried out, biotics flaring. She was an elegant goddess striding across the battlefield. Jack was charging in, much like she had when she demolished Purgatory. Somewhere, a gun shot rang out. A few thousand more followed as his team unloaded. Multiple blasts blinded his eyes.

But no matter what hit him, force or lift, grenade or bullet, Kaidan was stronger than their combined forces, shields shimmering brightly as he proceeded forward to the man he had pinned against the wall. He knocked Samara and Jack away as though swatting mere insects. Jack took a hard fall, but Samara smacked into a pillar. She'd tried to protect herself but the shock of hitting something that did not give way temporarily rebounded, causing her to drop her shields. Samara, the nearly 1,000 year old asari, did not rise from her collision. Anyone who could deflect a practiced Justicar was not a person to be trifled with. Jacob, who had been on a similar charge to Jack, quit his path to collect her. And Miranda erected a shield to defend them from the ricocheting bullets, raining from the warriors at their backs.

It didn't stop Shepard from glaring at the man he'd once considered a friend. His teeth grit all the harder as Kaidan closed in, and the force of his biotics bore down on him hard enough that the casing of his armor began to crack.

"Kaidan!," Shepard roared.

\----

How had it come to this? Just earlier they were attempting to save their crew but were delayed by Kaidan's sudden interference. He smiled, jaunted up, and then all hell broke loose when he gave Shepard a solid punch to the helmet, sending him spiraling against a pod with so much force the pod's shell cracked subsequently knocking him stupid. When he sunk to his knees, that's when he heard the simultaneous screams of the SR-2's crew, saw the pod across from him fill with a toxic substance that ate through flesh, and watched them melt into human slush. He'd tried to move, tried to thwart Kaidan, but his vision swam as he came to his feet. He collapsed at the biotic's feet, who only glanced down at him as if he were nothing more than a bug to be squished.

"Kaidan....," his vision swam, echoed. The man above cocked his head in curiosity, dark curls falling across his forehead. "Kaidan, please."

War raged around him. He saw Jacob and Legion rise and fall, shadows crossing over his body as he crumpled up into a ball. Everything, even noise, reverberated, breathed inside his skull. Explosions were nukes flashing every other second. The moaning and groaning of husks hummed in his ears a thousand times over. The urge to vomit surged. He tried to rise again and lost balance, falling wayside against a half-obliterated pod. And Kaidan, in all his wired glory, was awash in blue so vivid and bright, it pierced his eyes and made his head ache even worse. Color and form were shrouded in fog, except for the steady pulse of brilliant blue biotics beating like a heart.

Familiar hands reached out to him to steady him and pulled his helmet from his head. Chakwas. A warm palm landed on his cheek and pulled the skin down to look at his eye, assess his condition with a trained mind. Her soft blue eyes looked into his, but her brows were hard. She was looking at him as a patient, not The Commander Shepard.

"Karin," he murmured, his eyes felt heavy. So heavy.

"Yes, Commander, I got out thanks to Grunt. Most of the others weren't so fortunate."

"It's Kaidan," his voice cracked with anger. "They've got to him..."

"Commander, you're not going anywhere," she said firmly, pressing his shoulders down so that he remained on his knees. "I'd say by the blow he gave you, you've a concussion."

"No time....," he exhaled hard, trying to rise again. Chakwas continued to keep him down. "Kelly?"

"She's alive, Shepard. Give me a moment to attend you!," she was clearly shaken, unnerved by the situation, at seeing Kaidan in the flesh.

He gripped Chakwas' arms by the wrists. "There's no time. I'm sorry. It's either him or us."

Then he was on his feet, helm in one hand and rifle in the other, a pinched expression of anger blended with white hot pain surfaced. He'd use those tools to focus on the man who was wreaking havoc on his crew.

"Mordin," he barked as he strode forward with determination, feeding desperately into his survival instincts.

"I'm here, Shepard," the salarian's gun was raised, and he squeezed precise rounds into the husks clambering toward them.

"Get the survivors back to the Normandy."

Mordin Solus shot a look back to Chakwas and Chakwas shook her head as though disapproving of Shepard's choice. The silent exchange only furthered his anger.

"Shepard, I do not think that prudent. Concussion. Nausea. Headache. Dizziness. Even greater symptoms eventually. You'll be at risk."

"I'm already at risk, Mordin. We all are. Get. them. to. the. Normandy," he clipped his words short. The effort of not only enunciating with force but that he was having to explain himself worsened his agitation. In turn, his head pulsated, blood raced through his skull. He shoved his helmet on, only now realizing it was cracked, and took it off again. The hit Kaidan delivered was beyond human strength. It'd be no use now, not with a cracked com. "It's him or us!"

\----

So, here Shepard was pinned to the wall. His survival instincts failing against a biotic assailant. His anger was a white hot rage burning in his chest like coal. He was already choking on the fumes of vehemence, despair, and the soul-sucking apathy for life since his rebirth. Rage was just fuel to the fire.

Kaidan closed in, eyes blank. The glow of blue insides his iris hurt to gaze into, but Shepard stared him down anyway, making sure the Reapers saw him as pissed off rather than weak and vulnerable. And just as he expected to feel the numbness of shock was through his body, he saw a glimmer of light in the corner of his eye. For a moment, he thought this was an effect of the concussion, but Kasumi appeared, white electric current flowed over her as her cloaking dropped. He held his breath as her fist drew back. And with a smile on her face, she punched forward, omniblade stabbing deep into Kaidan's back.

An inhuman howl erupted from the biotic's twisting mouth, pierced Shepard's aching, angry head. The biotics dropped and Shepard dropped with it, collapsing on his hands and knees as Kaidan stumbled back and away, blue blood pouring from the open gash at his kidney. Large pools of it soaked the ground.

Kasumi was at Shepard's side before he knew it, pulling him up, helping him hoist his pistol. She knew what must be done, despite her own conflict of interest. Her hand supported his elbow as he took aim, eyes heavy and vision echoing and blurry, focused down the sight. At Kaidan. Aiming for the back of his head. End it all.

This was it. Shepard pulled himself up without support, let anger guide him, the boiling heat of determination rising in his chest. Garrus' words rang in his ears.

_The kindest thing you could do at this point is put him out of his misery._

Kindness. This was kindness. This was mercy. A release. A release from an existence worse than any other ever imagined. Losing oneself to become a thrall, a mindless howling zombie, a slave to monsters.

Just as his finger began to squeeze, Kaidan turned. With one hand outstretched. "Shepard...," he breathed. Blue blood spilled over his lips. "Please, help... me." Tears spilled down his cheeks.

Shepard faltered. Every bit of resolve sagged. He hesitated.

"Shepard!," Kaidan screamed and fell to his knees.

Everything went out of him, then—the anger, determination, the pure apathy he held in his heart for everything outside of Kaidan, jealousy, and the bitterness. He was left void, dull, empty again, the world washed out in grey, fading quick from the high of risen blood pressure. Now, he just desired to lay his head in that man's lap, have his scalp stroked again. Like their first night together.

Kasumi held onto his arm as he tried moved forward. She said his name. Garrus screamed for him in the background, followed by "Take him out!" Zaeed pulled up his own sniper rifle, cursing. Jacob had Samara on her feet. She was looking on in sympathy. Jack's fist flared with biotic energy. Miranda was strolling forward, her own pistol drawn. He didn't register any of it. The hells of despair reclaimed his broken mind, pulled him into the numbness as he watched Kaidan slump forward, blood spilling. He was on his forearms, looking up at Shepard, the light in his eyes dimmed.

"She.. Shep...ard...."

MIranda was there, staring down the barrel of her gun at the back of Kaidan's hand, an avenging angel of mercy. She glanced up at Shepard. Saw his gun. Except it wasn't pointed at Kaidan, this time.

"Don't you fucking dare," he bellowed. The voice of an angry, fed-up Commander rang out into the hollowed room. His voice echoed. He sounded as belligerent as he felt for once.

"Shepard!," her surprise was synonymous with Garrus' shocked trill.

But there was no time to argue about whether or not Kaidan should live. Collectors came storming in, twisted and strange rifles raised in threat.

Bullets and biotics flared in kind. Lasers fired back, crossing the room in brilliant beams that burned after images in his eyes. He continued to stare at the fallen lieutenant, watched the blood pool around his body as Kaidan tried to claw his way closer. Shepard wanted to run to him, shield his body with his own, but a Collector beat him to the punch. A monstrous claw grabbed Kaidan's ankle and began pulling him away, smearing blue blood across the rough texture of the base's floor. He called for Shepard, weakly, hints of sorrow strongly on his tone. It wrenched at Shepard's guts, hotly. Bile rushed up. He dry heaved, stomach acid poured from his gaping maw.

The Collectors retreated with Kaidan in tow, dragging him. His head lolled in unconsciousness. And all Shepard could do was look on in horror, firing wildly into the room hoping to take a few down as they fell back. Kasumi tackled him to prevent him from chasing them in his delirious state. Legion, however, was precise in his shots, blew a few of their heads wide open before the rest were back through a set of doors. Shepard was grateful, but it wasn't enough. Kaidan was gone. Again.

\---

"You ass!," Miranda was livid as they marched down the winding hall. Shepard said nothing. He was empty, out of patience. Nothing mattered anymore.

"You would have shot me over that indoctrinated-!"

He turned, shooting her a glare that immediately made her clip her complaint short. Normally, Jack would have smiled at this, but her expression was angry, too. Angry at him for being so foolish. A common trend.

Garrus shook his head at Jack and Miranda both, discouraging them from speaking. His friend had gone off the rails. It wasn't an easy thing taking a friend's life. He knew first hand, after all.

Samara was next to him, holding the shoulder that had been dislocated in Kaidan's throw when she hit the pillar.

"Shepard," her voice was low, soft, a babbling brook in the midst of spring. "After Benezia, Saren, knowing what they were, what they became... I know it's hard, but it would be a kindness, Shepard."

"I hate you-," he said, voice monotone and flat. The first of his words put a look of dismay on her normally stoic face. He wanted them to be true, to push away her generosity. No warmth. No kindness. Just cold, driving anger. "-when you're so calm and ..." The will to finish his sentence died in his throat as hot sorrow choked its way up from his chest. He'd been holding all the world's emotions there, in his lungs. A wince escaped his lips.

"Be strong, Commander," was her reply. So soft, calming, gentle. That voice was the stuff home was made of. Mothers. Forehead kisses. Apple pies. Warm blankets. He wanted to collapse into her arms and sob. Instead, he swallowed the welling of tears, and pushed forward.

\---

"I'm setting the charge," he sounded drained. Felt like shit. The adrenaline mixed with exhausted made him feel as though he'd been high for a week straight without sleep.

"Shepard!," The Illusive Man barked, "If you set that charge, you'll destroy something we can use. Think about the sacrifices of the people going to waste! We can use this against the Reapers!"

And yet, everyone expected him to make rational, calm decisions when he was an absolute wreck. One man tasked with saving the known universe. One man who was on the edge of death frequently, and slowly slipping into his own madness.

"Shepard," Garrus called as he fumbled the panel open. "He might be right..."

"Shepard," Jack snapped, "Are you crazy, Garrus? This is Cerberus." She pointed a finger at the image of The Illusive Man. "They cannot be trusted!"

"If you blow the base, think about all the deaths going in vain!"

He teetered on the edge of losing it. And here he was making crucial decisions for the rest of the galaxy that had done fuck all for him, except cause him strife, grief... loss...

Kaidan was on this base... If he blew it, he could be done, once and for all.

But the Kaidan—whom had been his friend—was on this base. The love of his life was on this base. The man who had furthered his purpose for existence was on this base, waiting, hoping... Fuck the human-based Reaper.

He slapped the panel shut and stood, wavering on tired legs.

"Fine," he said, too tired to think of the repercussions of this action. "Keep it."

"You made the right choice, Shepard," The Illusive Man sounded happy. A little too happy. Shepard knew he was up to something, but was too tired to argue the point into the ground.

"Let's get the fuck out of here."


	4. Belief

It was a bad dream... It was all a bad dream. Deja vu. Again.

He stood feet from the beam, pistol in one hand and head in the other. The taste of blood filled his mouth. Pain resonated from his right side; a piece of shrapnel had wedged its way into his gut. Moving flamed the fires of hell, sent his central nervous system shrieking. A stream of blood drizzled down the plates of black armor on his left leg with a strip of dark red liquid complimenting the red stripe on his right arm. It was not the first time dizziness or echoing vision upset his balance. The almighty Shepard was ready to topple, to descend into this madness, to give in. Yet, he held his ground. Stubborn.

Bad dream? No. This was a nightmare.

"This," he murmured and let his hand fall away, "You're kidding me, right?"

His question was directed at the last sentinel standing at the beam. And not just any sentinel guardian. Not one of the abominations or marauders. It was Kaidan. None other. Again. Again. Again. Of course, it was. Why not? It only made sense for him to be the last defender. Not Harbinger itself.

He stood no chance this time. The pain was weakening him. Insomnia and anxiety had ruined his body. Chakwas had said his blood pressure was elevated constantly from stress; she was surprised he was still standing. Who knew the long term effects the stress had on his body. The cybernetics hadn't taken well to the constant wear and tear; the faint glow of red wore through his paled skin.

"How many times, Kaidan?," he asked then spat blood as it pooled from the cut in his lip. "Will this dance ever end?"

Where he was rough and uncoordinated in his movement, Kaidan was ice and steel; he flowed across the debris and destruction with silken uninterrupted stride and stood directly in front of Shepard. Where Shepard was red hot and raging, Kaidan was the chill fingers of death, eyes like a snowy landscape beneath a full moon. The burnished golden brown of his iris had long faded away. Nothing else had changed since their last encounter on the Collector base. Had it been that long already. So much had happened since....

"Kaidan," he repeated the name. Silence drifted between them though the rest of the world behind waged a war he was no longer privy to. An explosion reverberated in the distance.

"You don't have to fight, Shepard," Kaidan's voice was calm, quiet. Shepard had to strain to hear him over the noise.

"What," Shepard spat, ridding his mouth of blood, "do you suggest I do?" There was a vehemence in his tone. If Kaidan was paying attention he might have noticed. Or maybe he did and didn't care. If he was still capable.

"Stay with me."

Shepard stared blankly as a tsunami of emotion washed over him, drowned him. He was already up to his eyes swimming in crazy. Now, he couldn't breathe.

"We could finally be together...."

Kaidan's voice was still gravely, warm. It drew him into an abrupt vision, when he'd last seen a warm smile grace the curves of those once full lips. He missed kissing them.

"All of this, could be over... No more suffering, Shepard. No more paying it forward to a thankless galaxy. No more running errands for ungrateful people."

Shepard fought through the haze in his own mind, against the seduction of this fight ending, his life ending. No more struggling, no more pain.

"Just you and me, Shepard..."

Kaidan took a few steps forward, reaching out to Shepard with a gloved hand.

"Stay with me...please. I don't want to lose you. Not again," was the former man's plea.

Shepard clenched his jaw, sucked in a sobering breath through his teeth. Felt the welling of blood from his split lip. The memory of a former life rushed up from the recesses, and he recalled in full their nights laughing and drinking, sharing stories and stolen kisses in dark corners. The feel and smell of Kaidan against him, the satisfaction of Kaidan's lips on his. How he'd been a man on fire, sweat running down his temples and ribs, while making love to Kaidan, with Kaidan. For the first and last time. The feel of fingers interlaced with the other man's as they lay next to one another post coitus, laughing contentedly. Kaidan explained his surprise about how well they fit together, how they were pieces of a puzzle finally falling together. All the moments in Shepard's life where he'd felt something was missing he'd found in the lieutenant. Answers had been closer than he could have ever hoped for. He kissed Kaidan and fell asleep to those fingertips rolling over his shaved scalp.

But the blazing pain slowly sucked away at the bliss of memory, reminded him of the keen loss he'd experienced once on Virmire, then again on the derelict Reaper, and again on the Collector base... How he was reliving the grief continuously in perpetual hell. Mock memory, mock existence, mock death. Everything was a mockery of what he truly wanted. It was a lie and he could no longer stand the illusion, not when truth had been so much sweeter.

Shepard smiled, and reached out with his free hand. An indoctrinated Kaidan responded, slipped his fingers between Shepard's, a familiar and beloved sensation. One he'd coveted for what seemed like ages. Wire, cable, and blue light slipped into his vicinity. Kaidan's body was nearly against his own. The worn man's lips smiled in kind and it looked foreign, mechanical, somewhat forced. And then those lips were on Shepard's again, colder than they had been before. Shepard leaned into it.

And fired.

Not once.

Not twice.

But three times in critical places.

And he only stopped squeezing the trigger because he'd run out of ammo. It clicked over, and he still pulled.

Cold, sputtering breath erupted blue blood against his lips. Those ice cold eyes went wide. Disbelief.

Shepard stood numbly as Kaidan collapsed to his knees, pulling on Shepard's arm for balance. He found a stream of smoke on the night's horizon and concentrated on it, watching the flash of explosions cast light against broken buildings. ignoring the thing tugging on his consciousness.

"Shepard....You know," the thing-that-was-not-Kaidan sputtered accusingly.

"I suspected. You made a pretty good case," Shepard used a monotone voice as though the Reapers had just won a consolation prize.

"You can't fight indoctrination forever, Shepard!"

"I don't intend to," he responded.

He walked away, let the former man fall backward as Shepard pulled his arm free from its grip. A cable wrenched loose and the thing cried out. "Shepard! You could have had it all!"

Shepard kept walking, heard the last breath falter and fade in a rasp.

Then something softer replaced the voice that had gone hoarse and ugly.

"She-Shepard...."

It was so quiet a whisper he'd barely heard it over his footfall, but he knew that tone... and didn't hesitate.

"Kaidan!"

He was on his knees before he realized, ignoring the flare of sharp pain as it shot through his body.

There was no more light beneath the man's skin or behind his pupils mucking up the chestnut brown of his eyes... The smile he gave Shepard as Shepard hovered over him was tainted with the the dark blue blood but it had been much more normal than before.

"Hey, you," he coughed. Blood welled from the corner of his mouth.

Shepard was cradling his head. "Hey."

Kaidan looked tired. Blood was pooling beneath his body. The color of his skin was pallid.

"You should have let me go," Kaidan whispered.

"It was hard, K," Shepard felt numb, stupid. He knew there was nothing he could do now. But his mind was frantically searching for some way to do something.

"You're gonna have to, Shep..."

"Kaidan," his own voice sounded tortured, rough. "I can't lose you..."

"Don't be silly...," Kaidan smiled, and for a brief moment his eyes lolled in the back of his head. "You never lost me."

Shepard shook one of his wired shoulders. "Hey, come on. Don't leave me this way."

"I-it's really hard, Shep... to stay awake....," Kaidan's voice was dimmer. "I... love you. Promise you'll...finish this..."

His breath was a death rattle, choking on the blood rushing up. Then the light in his eyes faded permanently.

 

Shepard didn't know how long he'd sat there, cradling Kaidan's twisted visage in his arms, before the distant rumble of firefight recalled his attention to the present. And very reluctantly, he rose on tired legs and exhausted balance to head into the beam.

\-- 

He laughed and felt his mind dip into the spiraling madness, felt that very madness finally suck his sanity into the darkness.

The Illusive Man gestured and debated, argued against himself. All Shepard could do was laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

Until in one flash bang, The Illusive Man, the former Jack Harper, collapsed in a heap, destroyed by his own hand. Shepard took satisfaction where he could, watching that confident smirk fall into shocked realization just moments before Harper squeezed the trigger. He'd been a puppet all along. Then in a turn of events, appeared to have achieved some sort of twisted salvation. Whatever it was, Jack Harper was no longer a blight on humanity.

Anderson fell into silence. His last breath a peaceful sigh. Shepard wondered if he had returned back to London and ached to join him.

Instead, he was left alone staring into the grueling scene of war as it played out in a one-sided fight. He was barely alive, nothing within any longer. He had watched the man he loved die, blue blood staining his teeth and lips, and everything in Shepard went with his passing, except for the bitter resentment that still lingered on the back of his tongue. All that mattered now was putting an end to this farce.

There was no coronation or fanfare when he pulled the trigger. The Crucible shuddered to life beneath his feet. Coils and cables hummed with insurmountable energy. The room, in which he stood, turned sanguine, red glow filling his eyes like the color of a traffic light. The hair of his arms stood straight as energy pooled all around him.

As an exhale passed his lips, the Crucible fired a singular red beam into the endless night and the draw of power at its tip tore at its hull.

A conflagration broiled up from beneath the feet he refused to move. Even as the vacuum of space threatened to suck him out, he was stationary. Everything moved around him in red flame and flying debris.

And then there was nothing.

Except for one final thought he wanted to believe.

_Kaidan, I am coming home..._

**Author's Note:**

> Drop me lines on my Tumblr @wrexidentalinsurance


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